The sense that EVERY woman on Earth is pregnant and you are not is so not statistically true, but emotionally real. I'm sure Facebook and People.com are not helping with the deluge of pregnancy announcements, but between the media and, in some circles of my friends, every single other woman has a child (or many) or is pregnant, it can really become overwhelming. And then I feel like a horrible person - I should JUST be happy for her - she's my friend, and I love her and of course I want her to be able to have a baby. It's just that that emotion is happening at the exact same time as deep jealousy and woe for myself. Especially difficult to handle are the - we weren't even trying! And the we were told it would be really hard because I've been diagnosed with x specific problem, but then it just happened right away! And the - can you believe it? Both times on the first try! Stick knife in. Twist.
My therapist actually gave me an interesting piece of advice about pregnancy announcements - tell your friends to let you know they are expecting through email or snail-mail. This way you can receive the news in private. I think this is an excellent idea.
When a really close friend is pregnant, and you are going through infertility, you BOTH have really significant needs for support, and it seems really easy for the pregnant friend to just step in it with totally innocuous comments that are actually hurtful - like, "being pregnant is SO hard." Really? Yes - I'm sure it is really taxing - and I would do anything to feel that. And you should know that because we are really close friends and you've been in on our struggles the whole time.
But it's not really the friend's fault ... being pregnant does demand a greater level of friend support, and she has every right to ask for it - I'm just not sure how much I can give to her at this time. It's hard to hang out with pregnant women at the moment. I know they still care about me and want to be supportive, but I just really feel like a little distance is helping my sanity.
Equally difficult at times are the child-centered social events. Do I want to not be invited? NO - then I would just feel left out. But the events that revolve around the little ones are tricky on two levels. For one thing, there is the concrete reminder of what you do not have, and for the second, I feel like I really need my friends, as my friends and not while they're trying to multi-task with being a mommy. Is that totally selfish and self-centered? Probably. But it's the truth. One-on-one time with friends, or adult-only hang outs with friends and couples are really lifesavers when going through this, I've found.
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