Sunday, April 14, 2013

Finally waking up from the funk

I'm not sure if it's because we are now on the doorstep of IVF, or because of the timing of Spring Vacation, or because I really just grew completely fed up with hating the way I felt/looked on top of hating the infertility, but I have FINALLY started to come back to life in terms of taking care of my body.

In a very interesting exercise, my therapist had me "talk" to my body and my body "talk" back to was definitely uncomfortable, but it revealed to me that on some level, I might have been punishing my body for not giving me what I want.  I'm sure this is only one layer - depression just makes you a ball on the couch not wanting to do anything, let alone exercise, and comfort-food eating also played into getting me to this place as well, but I definitely think that was a tiny piece of it.

I'm hoping I really have turned a corner, and am thinking more about fueling my body than stuffing it, and exercise as being-nice-to-my-body and taking time for myself and my own well-being.  So I joined a way-too-pricey gym that feels luxurious and have enlisted a workout buddy for some positive peer pressure.  Hopefully these forces, combined with some results in the not-so-distant future, will let this be a jumping off point to a lifestyle change, leaving the cloud of depression in the past, and not a blip on the radar.  (Part of what makes me so angry about having fallen out of shape and gained 20 lbs is that I had lost and kept my weight in a healthy place for 8 years before I was swallowed up by infertility and the ensuing depression...but I'm trying to forgive myself for this - I am not weak; this is REALLY hard to deal with...)

I can honestly say, I already feel better having gone the last 3 of 4 days - nothing crazy, just 30 mins of cardio to try to get back into it without injuring myself, but enough that I feel like I have accomplished something, do not want to cause more work by pigging out, and want to keep going.

We have our appointment to talk about the specifics for the timeline of IVF with the doctor on 4/22, and I have to say that taking a month off from procedures and meds has been pretty amazing (might also have something to do with the exercise desires - I felt the same in February when we were meds-free...) In some way, knowing that the drugs will be starting soon makes me even more motivated to get in as good of habit as I can, before they start messing with my system, and hopefully, exercise can be one of my coping mechanisms, not something else I can't seem to get right at the moment.  More on my IVF thoughts soon...